an open letter

dear classy gentleman of the night,

i just want to thank you for the kind attention you and 29 or so of your closest friends paid to my friend and me as we walked back to our cars late last friday night. as i derive my self-worth from what strangers think of me, it was really validating to hear you be so complimentary. i was especially fond of your clever rhymes as the time it must have taken you to come up with them speaks to how highly you think of me. the time and effort that you put into being so witty reveal that you value me as a person even though your comments were all directed to my physical appearance.

though your snap judgments about who i am and what i think of you were a little off the mark, i’m sure they will be corrected once we’ve had a chance to better get to know each other, since i know you’re so interested in my personality.

the only difficultly will be deciding which of you to jump into bed with first since you were always in packs of 3 – 5 and i so don’t want to hurt your friends’ feelings… also, you made it difficult because you were never directly facing us when you paid us these compliments; you always waited until we had just walked by you or you called out to us from your second story windows so we couldn’t actually ascertain from whom the flattering remark had originated. maybe next time i have occasion to be walking late at night, i’ll bring a roll of raffle tickets so that we can keep it fair… (though be forewarned that more tickets will be awarded to individuals with louder cat calls/whistles and more graphic guttural noises…)

love,

the grateful object of your affection